The Stage Divers Gospel

Taking on board everything I learned in the tinatus inducing days of my youth whilst going to rock clubs I thought it prudent to publish my definitive works on the lost art of stage diving before this dying art was forever lost.

See i've done many a stage dive, but there was a time when the science of leaping off a stage into a crowd of people could end in disaster. These are the hard learned lessons of seasoned gigger.

• 1. No matter how pretty she is, dont dive at a girl in amongst a group of girls. Groups of girls just dont catch stage divers.


• 2. It might be pretty awesome to clear the mosh pit but if you leap much further than half a dozen rows back then at the moment of impact your body will be carrying considerable momentum.


• 3. Never leap when wearing Doctor Martins.


• 4. Always check that the people you are diving at are not holding drinks. One free arm is not sufficient for their part in the process.


• 5. Always spot your intended landing target before leaping, big gigs tend to be quite packed but at smaller venues there are sometimes gaps in the crowd.


• 6. Diving backwards is for singners. Members of the public do not get away with it.


• 7. Make eye contact with the people you are going to jump on, but do not give them time to signal their intention not to catch you and move. Make eye contact then leap straight away.


• 8. If necessary, adjust your underwear BEFORE getting up on the stage.


• 9. Finish your drink before jumping, it will not survive the landing.


• 10. Don't stage dive at a jazz gig. Apparently this isn't the done thing.

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