How Not to Pickup Women

Why do I attract the freaks? I would dearly love to know the answer to this question.

Today I decided to check out a local activity group thing to expand my social circle in the area I have just moved house too. In the office today there was some joking about how much attention I would get from the men, but I didn't expect to pull a totally psychopathic one whilst still on my way to the venue.

So I arrive and i'm a bit early but I have'nt eaten so I decided I would get some fast food of some description, and on seeing two guys talking infront of their houses thought I would ask them where the nearest fast food place was.

I asked and I got given directions so off I set. The problem started on my way back...

On my way back one of the men I had asked directions off was walking the streets - apparently looking for me, he came up to me and started talking to me.

Fair enough I figure, he wants a bit of the Bexter. I politely made my excuses and walked on. Undeterred he kept up with me, and tried to impress me...

He claimed he "worked farm" for special forces. I have no idea what farm means but I assume pharmacy because he wasn't fit enough to be a soldier. (Actually I doubt very much somebody in special forces would be using it as a chat up line).

He told me his ex wife was a transexual and then repeated that he was special forces.

To his credit he did actually tell me I was very beautiful, but he also told me that his friend thought I was a man and he asked me if I was transexual.

Then he repeated that he "worked farm" for special forces and told me he had some bother in the past and that's why he followed me because I had come up to him to ask him for directions. I am not sure if asking somebody for directions ever justifies mobilising special forces into stalk mode but that's the line he used.

At this point i'm getting a little creaped out and i'm walking a bit faster, I pulled out a little on him until I arrived outside the still closed venue that I had been heading toward for my activity group thing. There's a few people there so I thought he would leave me alone.

Still believing he might get some form of sexual arousal out of this the man asks me if i'm on any porn sites, he states that he believes I am a tranny but that he's totally okay with that. He tells me i'm very beautiful, and he remind me that he is special forces.

At this juncture i'm thinking i'm probably not making a great impression with these people i'm here to meet tonight and asked him to leave me be.

He tells me that he had taken my photograph in the town and sent it to the police. I exclaim my surprise at being stalked in this way and ask him to leave me alone again.

Now we are getting very close to me solving this problem with violence. But still the man persists, he keeps telling me:

• I am very beautiful


• I am probably a transexual / transvestite but that's ok with him


• He "works farm" for special forces

He then tells me that if the police where here I would be shitting myself - because he is special forces.

And then he asked me if I am on any transexual fettish porn sites.

I've been polite in trying to excuse myself up to this point, but at this juncture I tell him very clearly and in no uncertain terms that he is bothering me and I want him to leave, and finaly he does.

I spent the rest of the night worried that he would come into the venue I was at, and walking back to the car afterward was quite scary.

The crazy psychopath happens to live on the same road about 15 doors up from the venue and that actually bothers me in terms of visiting that group again.

So now you've seen it from my point of view, let's summarise all the things that on their own would have resulted in him failing to pull me so that all you creepy crazy bastards out there on the internet don't do this again.

• If a woman is clearly into alternative lifestyle and dresses a bit punky and a bit gothy this does not meen that she is or was a man. It could just meen she's a lesbian. So don't call the woman you are chatting up a man, a transvestite, or label her as transexual. This always backfires.


• Don't ask a woman if she is on any porn sites.


• Don't walk the streets looking for a woman with whome the only contact you have had is her quite innocently asking you directions 30 minutes previously.


• Don't follow a woman who quickens her pace to walk away from you.


• Never, EVER, claim to be special forces. Although not creepy, it's very very sad and will result in you being laughed at after you have failed.


• Never, EVER, claim to be any kind of soldier when you have a pot belly that the army would have beaten out of you. Especially when the kind of soldier you claim to be is special forces.


• Don't use a word like "farm" in the same sentence as special forces. It sounds ridiculous. Even if there is some type of "farm" soldier, civvies don't know the word and will laugh at you.


• Do not take photographs of a woman you are trying to chat up without her permission. That's outright creepy.


• Do not take photographs of the woman whilst she is unaware she is being photographed.


• Do not follow the woman around town in order to take said photograph.


• Do not tell the woman you have sent her photograph to the police. That's just strange.


• Do not tell the woman that if the police were here she would be "shitting herself", especially whilst she is wishing that the police where actually there. As much as she knows she wouldn't be actually shitting herself and that you are full of shit, the mental image it conjours just isn't pleasant.


• If you are talking to a transexual - and you where married to one - then surely you would know not to "out" her. So if she isn't a transexual and even more so if she is, then absolutely do not ask the woman if she is a transexual, especially in public.


• When the woman you have failed to chat up tries to excuse herself, leave her alone. Anything you do after this point gets filed into stalk/creepy category.


• Do not tell the woman that you, or your mate, thought she was a man. This will not help you pull.


• Do not stalk her.


• Do not live near some place she wants to go and freak her the fuck out so she considers not going again just to get away from you, you bastard. (OK - maybe that shouldn't be in the general guidance section of this post, but I feel it's a valid point!).

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