Everything You Need to Know About Scotland, Europe and Asteroids.

I'm a bit pissed off. Firstly because Scotland keeps holding refferendums on being independent from England & Wales, and keeps adding caveats like "we want a slice of the army" and "we want the gas fields", and hasnt yet asked for "our share of the national debt which is disproportionately large because we cannot sustain ourselves".

In fact what Scotland is actually asking for is, "can we not be associated with the English please because we are bigoted wankers living in the wrong century".

What they will do instead is get their money from Europe. Oh you think they will be self sustaining? PMSL. Like we'd ever give them the gas fields, or a slice of our "combined forces", the clue is in the name people - if you take a chunk of the army organisation out then it ceases to function. And who are you going to attack anyway? England? Fuck off, I thought all that was behind us.

And so it is with the thought of Scotland begging Europe for money that got me thinking, would Europe give it to them? They have to give money to Greece to stop themselves going bankrupt and they cant bring themselves to do that without making it a loan that would only bring about the same result, so what are the odds of Scotland getting something out of Europe?

Well I've got a cunning plan that might help the Scots pull it off! I just read an article where some twat has managed to secure 4 million Euro's out of Brussels to spend the next two years doing "paper derived experiments" on how we might one day alter the course of an asteroid heading toward Earth.

I have two things to say to this:

1. Paper derived experiments means the guy is going to spend 2 years and 4 million euros writing what amounts to a university fucking thesis. That has to be the best student deal anyone ever managed to get out of Britain.


2. Different asteroids are made of different elements, therefor whatever plan they come up with will not work against all asteroids. Blowing up a coarse crumbly asteroid with nukes would make less difference than the Conservative parties election pledges have made to their policy, and placing a gravity well next to a big heavy lump of metal is slightly less effective than a Liberal Democrat MP.


3. Altering the course of an asteroid would make no difference because statistically we are more likely to be struck by a long period event than a slow mover from the asteroid belt. A long period event is an asteroid/comet on a very large orbit which slows down to almost stationary speeds when it is on its way out in to the cosmos, but then as it comes around and back toward us the suns gravity pulls it in ever faster. Very fast as it goes, to the extent that we've no way of tracking such events before they would impact us.

Solving the funding crisis that Scotland is going to have when it eventually gets independence (which it will because they will keep having referendums every few years until they succeed) is therefor quite easy: Dont give them gas fields or an army, instead give them their own nuclear weapons and wait for them to blow themselves into orbit, declare themselves an asteroid, and ask Europe for a fucking scholarship.

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